As we know, Rock Paper Scissors has been played ever since the cavemen invented it during The Stone Age. Of course, the only way they knew how to play back then was to use real rocks for the Rock part, and each other’s heads for the Paper and Scissors parts. Unfortunately, a remnant of that violent origin remains, as I learned some years later when I played The Ellis Variant in 1991.

I played a ton of Sega Master System games that year. My favorite one was called “Alex Kidd in Miracle World,” and honestly, it kind of seemed like one. The game is a colorful, upbeat quest to acquire some tasty rice balls and make friends with a cool princess. The particular combination of sounds and colors the game used activated something down in my lizard brain. It quickly became a hyperfocus, and I either played, thought, or talked about it endlessly. My buddies came to hate Miracle World in short order, and "Screw Alex Kidd" was sighed, shouted, or screamed in my direction almost daily.

I really liked the unique way in which you battled the level bosses, too. They'd say something like “Hello, I’m Scissor Head, let’s play,” then they'd dance at you briefly before choosing what hand sign to use against yours. You showed them at the same time, and if you picked the stronger sign, you won. Win two out of three, and the boss disappeared in a friendly cloud of smoke. No one ended up in the gravel of the school parking lot or got dragged into the principal's office by their moms so everyone could see them cry. It was the perfect conflict resolution.

Another feature that really separated Alex Kidd from games like Mario or Megaman was the option to buy this sick looking motorcycle at the shop on stage 2. I always lost it instantly because it vaporized the second it brushed against a block or enemy, but I was always excited to get it anyway. Even though it was only a video game motorcycle, it still made me feel like I was doing something cool.

One day in early September of 1991, my buddy Ellis and I were walking from my house across our small West Virginia town over to his place. The weather was beginning to cool, but it was still a bright summer day and school wouldn’t start for another week. I was excited because later that afternoon we were going on an AWANA youth group trip to a "cave system" famous in our state. I say cave system, but it was more like a “slight cliffside indentation.” I guess if they called it that, no one would show up and pay the five bucks.

As I jabbered about Alex Kidd for what must have been reaching the zillionth time, Ellis cut in: “Hey...I have a good idea.” My stomach dropped. ‘I have a good idea’ meant Ellis was planning to roll around in some kind of dog crap, and I’d end up covered in it. Ever the fast-talker in his pristine Starter jacket and Vanilla Ice haircut, Ellis always got his way.

Even when you told him No, you were somehow telling him Yes.

That day his “good idea” was to bring Pepsi on the church bus, but open the cans beforehand and spike them with vodka from his stepdad’s basement bar. There was always a lot of booze at Ellis's house. His parents really loved it. They even named their dog Smirnoff. Ellis retrieved two cans of Pepsi from the downstairs mini-fridge and turned his back to me. I heard him open both cans, then dump some Pepsi down the bar sink. I watched his back as he poured vodka, then he turned around and offered me one.

Since I was only 14 and had never been drunk, or even tasted alcohol, I told Ellis no thank you. Absolutely not.

An hour later on the bus, after we’d both finished our Vodka Pepsi, I was obliterated and struggling to hold myself together. My vision was swimming and my brain felt like it had been replaced by a fun house mirror. My thoughts felt as wobbly and distorted as the rest of me. Never the victim of his own designs, Ellis was fine. He kept stifling laughter whenever I would say something. He must've really been able to hold his liquor.

Thankfully, he was loudly holding court beside me in our seat at the rear of the bus, taking attention away from me. Everyone around us laughed at his made-up stories about how awesome and cool he was. I took this opportunity to sink unnoticed into my side of the seat. Even when I was sober, being noticed was not optimal.

To my total surprise, the only person who noticed the vodka at all was Pastor Roy, the youth group leader. He stood up and said “It smells like someone's been drinking on this bus,” I hated Pastor Roy's voice. Every time he spoke I got the same feeling I got when a wasp was buzzing around my ear. My stomach tightened as his accusatory gaze darted from person to person.

I was certain we were busted, and I started to get anxious over the prospect of having to pray for forgiveness in front of everyone. I prepared myself for his finger jabbing in my face. Instead, he just turned back around and sat down in his seat and shook his head.

He probably didn’t want to make it a Whole Thing that he would have to explain to someone’s parents.

Disaster averted, Ellis turned to me. “Hey, let’s play Rock Paper Scissors,” he said. His voice was bright. I said, “Okay, dude. That's fine.”

Alex Kidd had already taught me the rules, and though he lacked scissors for a head, Ellis did have a dollar sign shaved into the back of his hair. Close enough to an Alex Kidd boss, I thought. Plus, I was relieved he wanted to do something simple and normal. Something my collapsing brain wouldn’t have to think about too hard.

I should have known better, of course. There was an “Ellis Twist” to this game, which was a special seasoning he would sprinkle on normal activities in order to make them worse for me and more fun for him.

The Twist that day was not great: the winner of each round would lick his first and second fingers, then grab the loser’s wrist with their other hand and slam their fingers down on their forearm with a loud SMACK.

I agreed after he assured me that it was a fair game with a fifty-fifty chance to win every hand. I didn’t win very often. It was like Ellis could somehow read my mind and switch at the very last second to win, just like you could do to the bosses in Alex Kidd. Had I been sober, maybe I would have noticed something was up.

When I did manage to win, my slaps were purposefully weak. I never liked hurting people. I wanted to say uncle and stop. But by this time, all the other kids in the back of the bus were watching us and having fun, so I stayed quiet.

Not everyone was enjoying the show. A girl named Crystal, who was new to AWANA, watched quietly. She didn’t laugh or cheer when Ellis slapped my arm.

Pastor Roy got wise to our Rock Paper Scissors game and told us to knock it off. My arm was red and starting to bruise. He glanced at the rising welt Dollar Head had left on me and said, "Don't make me stand up again." He turned around and went back to his seat.

Ellis was Fine and All Smiles, of course. Ellis was always Fine and All Smiles.

A few hours later, we arrived at the cave, which was situated beside a very large creek. After the requisite group prayer, we were told to partner up so we could explore. There were some easy hiking trails that led up to a waterfall far above us.

Ellis disappeared with Summer, a girl he liked, leaving me all alone. I could hear his loud, show-offy voice interspersed with her giggles coming from the trees. I stood looking around and feeling awkward until Crystal, the girl I’d noticed on the bus ride, came over to me. “Do you want to go on a hike with me?” she asked.

She looked cool with her leather jacket and braided ponytail that lay over her shoulder. Unlike the girls at school, the ones at youth group weren’t embarrassed to be seen talking to me.

This was the first time a girl wanted to spend time alone with me, so I didn't hesitate to say yes.

We set off up the trail leading to the waterfall.

Thanks to the illegal teenage buzz I was secretly nursing, I was more talkative than normal. We were going back and forth naturally. You could've mistaken me for a normal guy.

Crystal was confident and funny. She held your gaze and nodded when you talked to her, like she really wanted to know what you had to say. I barely even glanced away while I talked to her. Sometimes you meet people who make you forget you're supposed to feel self-conscious.

“Do you really think someone was drinking on the bus, like Pastor Roy said?” she asked.

I switched on my best Pastor Roy impersonation and said, “I don't know, but if they were, God saw it even if I didn't. And Satan will spank their bottoms in Hell forever!" She laughed.

Smiles and laughter came easy for Crystal. For once, they were coming easy for me, too. I wondered if I should start drinking all the time.

Out of nowhere, she turned serious. “Hey, why did you let that guy on the bus hit you so much? He seems like a real jerk."

I was unprepared for this sudden turn. I said, "I don’t know, he just has these ideas, and since he’s my friend I go along with them. It isn’t a big deal, it’s fine." I ignored the throbbing in my arm and added "It doesn’t even hurt anymore."

She said, “Well, he was cheating at that game. He was waiting to pick his hand until you did yours at the last second."

She walked a few paces ahead of me then stopped in the middle of the path and turned to face me. She brushed her ponytail off her shoulder and put her hands on her hips.

"You shouldn't let him do that. It’s not normal to want to hurt people, especially your friends. It's really messed up.” She stood blocking the path, waiting for my reply.

This concept was so alien to me it could have hopped into a UFO and flown away and I wouldn’t have been surprised. Everyone hurts you somehow, that’s just the way people are. I didn't know what to say to her, but I didn't want to say what I was thinking and risk sounding like an alien myself, so I said nothing.

I shrugged. She sighed and shook her head, then she turned around and continued up the path. I felt like I'd said the wrong thing, even though I hadn't said anything.

We arrived at the top of the waterfall, and peered at the creek far below. It was wide but very shallow, nowhere near the river that had been advertised.

We spotted a narrow branch of trail dropping steeply toward a rocky outcropping above the creek. Mist from the waterfall had turned it into slick mud, and nothing was there to stop you from sliding your ass right off the edge if you lost your balance.

Crystal said, "Do you want to try going down there?"

I was surprised. From this height, a fall probably meant instant death or at least serious injury. Even worse: being laughed at. But she didn’t seem afraid, so I thought if I pretended I wasn’t either, maybe she’d think I was cool in the way girls always thought Ellis was cool.

“Yeah, let’s do it!” I prayed the excitement in my voice sounded genuine. Probably the only sincere prayer I ever made during my time in AWANA.

“I’ll go first!” I added. Without waiting for her answer, I started down the muddy path and immediately slipped. I forced out a chuckle through my terror so she’d know this was No Big Deal.

I slowed my descent and clung to the thick roots that lined the trail as I inched the rest of the way down. When I got to the edge, everyone at the creek below immediately spotted me, and Pastor Roy was already shrieking, “Get off there and back onto the main path right now!”

I turned and began to climb up, but I slid back down and nearly off the edge into the shallow creek forty feet below. My feet dangled in the air before I caught hold of a root. I was scared, but fear wasn't what threatened to paralyze me there on that ledge. It was embarrassment. Everybody's eyes were on me. This was almost as bad as a school talent show.

My ears were rushing with the sound of pumping blood as I made it back to my feet. I stood there, frozen by nerves and uncertainty about what to do next. Everyone started pointing and yelling, “TAKE HER HAND!” My face was hot as I turned toward Crystal, who had one hand outstretched while the other clung to a small tree behind her. I took it. Her hand was warm and soft, and her grip was strong. Our eyes met as she squeezed my hand, her face expressionless. With a small grunt, she hauled me up. “You alright?” she asked. Her voice was low and strained.

Ellis would have been laughing at me. I said yes.

I grinned, my cheeks burning, hoping to reassure her that everything was fine and we were still having fun. Her eyes stayed neutral as her lips pursed into one of those thin smiles that don’t feel like a smile at all. Then she looked away.

We didn’t talk as we walked back down the trail to creek where everyone waited. When we arrived, we were welcomed with laughter and jokes about how I had almost fallen to my death. Someone called Crystal “Robb’s hero” in a mocking voice. Crystal looked over at me. Her face was blank. I doubted she was accustomed to being made fun of. We didn’t speak again on that trip.

In fact, Crystal and I never spoke to each other again. I couldn’t blame her. She hadn't known there was a cost for being kind to me.

That evening on the ride home, it began to storm. We were all exhausted from the trip, most of the other kids were soon asleep. Ellis wanted to play Rock Paper Scissors again and I nodded. Pastor Roy either didn’t notice or didn't care this time. I didn’t really care anymore, either. You have to be punished for messing up somehow, and physical pain was just as satisfying a punishment as any other.

As we played, my thoughts drifted to Miracle World, about how great it would be to actually live there. Even if I never got to keep my cool motorcycle, Crystal and I would be friends, and winning Rock Paper Scissors would make Ellis disappear in a cloud of smoke.

I sat with these thoughts while I listened to the sound of the rain, punctuated by the occasional rumble of thunder and the crack of Ellis's fingers on my arm. He’d given up all pretense of the game and was just slapping my arm and laughing. I wondered what Ellis would be if he gave up every pretense.

I looked across the aisle at Crystal's seat. Her head rested against her rain-streaked window, facing away from us. I thought she was asleep at first, but in the dim light of the bus, accentuated by the flickering of lightning, I could see her fingers twirling the ends of her ponytail.

I shifted in my seat and tried to push away her words on the path to the waterfall. Her advice didn’t sound wrong in theory, but it sounded wrong when I applied it to myself. I wished she hadn't said it at all, even if it was nice of her to care.

After a few minutes, a particularly hard slap on my arm broke me out of my thoughts. I glanced back at Crystal. Her hands were folded in her lap and her breath was slow and even.

I watched her for a few moments, then pulled my wrist from Ellis's grasp. His indignant sputter barely registered as I turned away from him.

I rested my head against my window while my fingers traced the bruised lump on my forearm. The glass felt cool against my forehead. I watched the silhouetted mountains slide past through a sheet of rain.

Eventually, sleep overcame me as the bus rolled across the dark highway toward home, where Miracle World waited.